I Can't Do This

Today is awful. Godforsaken awful and it is all I can to do not just  find a bottle of something strong and drown my sorrows in it. Cora screamed bloody murder at the grocery store today. I actually thought they might call the cops because she was acting as if I had just kidnaped her. Gavyn fell asleep on the bus and didn't get off. But I was too busy wallowing in my own problems to notice the boys were late getting home. It is my dad's birthday and all I can think of is all the things in my life he missed and how you are actually missing even more of our kids' lives.

I am thinking I don't want to date ever again - but I hate being alone, lonely, and I long so badly for the companionship we once had. I hate life right now, and were it not for those kids, I swear to you, I think I would actually just end it.

If Only I Knew

I am not sure what to do with all the knowledge I have acquired since your death. Oh how deep my love for your is. How the smell and feel of you is imprinted on my very soul. How I miss the feel of my head on your chest, your hands through my hair, your breath on my neck. I miss meeting you at the step for a kiss goodbye, goodnight, or just a hello.

It is you that I miss . . . not him. I enjoy the natural feel I have with him. It reminds me of the days in our marriage when just being together doing nothing was easy. Before the bouts of depression, and cycles of addiction and emotional abuse. I like laughing with him and playfully teasing, it reminds me of how fun being married can be.

But I could not marry him, even if he wanted to, because that is all there is to him. He filled what you had forgotten to fill on a regular basis these last few years. And I liked that. I really liked that.

But truth is, he would never love me like you did. He just doesn't seem the type. Seldom was there a deep conversation and I think he hardly knows me. Emotionally, there was just a void.

I wish I knew whether I will ever be loved like you once loved me. I would know whether I am being practical or impractical. I am not looking for another "you," but I want someone who loves me madly. I am baffled at the envy that people have, even knowing the hell you put me through. And in some ways that angers me. How could your love be so grand, and so deep, yet you brought upon me so much pain. . . not in your death, but in our life together? How? How can it be that one could love and hate me so intensly?

I am confused, and I don't understand where eternity stands with us. I feel like I lost you so very long ago. I read through my journals and the letters I wrote you and I can hear and see the pleadings I made to you to give me back my soul. I begged you to stop the madness that was killing me. Literally and figuratively killing me. Yet you just couldn't. And you just wouldn't let me go. Why didn't you just let me go? Did you not love me enough to realize that I had to be set free in order to live? Or was this a let go, and let God, and it was God who finally did what you wouldn't.

Your boys had their first games without you. It was hard for me. Asher had his first soccer game - ever, you missed it, or rather, I missed you there. I had to run in circles getting both boys where they were supposed to be and missed part of Gavyn's game. It's hard to be the only parent and have the kids miss things because I just can't do it all. I diplomatically gave the coaches an ass chewing. You would be proud of me.

I miss you, the long ago you. I miss that you.

Unexpected Anger: Need Help

I set the goal to look better at 40 than I did at 30. I've been working my ass off at the gym and at home in the pool. I am very excited and find the workout both therapeutic and addicting. I push myself so hard that, the truth is, I can't think of much other than how to reach my goal for that workout. I went looking for a good picture of me when I was thirty. And by good I mean a picture that really showed my body. Low and behold, none existed. I realize now that none exist in part because I was usually the one behind the lens, not in front of it, but also because your addiction started that year.

As I was looking through the albums, I found the scrapbook I had given to you for our second Christmas together. I remember how happy and grateful I was for our life. We'd been sealed, we expected our first child, and life seemed to be giving me all the blessings and joys that I had wanted and impatiently waited for. Heaven was ours, or so it seemed.

Sadly, the day prior I was looking for some lost shot records for the kids. In doing so, I came across letters and journal entries of mine that engulfed the time periods when your addictions and problems were there worst. When life was not giving to me all the blessings and joys that I deserved.  When there was little I could do but hope that you'd take the necessary steps to change that.

I told you in March that I wanted to start dating again. Or was it May, I can't remember now. I actively joined an online dating site with mostly members of the church.  I have met a few handfuls of people, exchanged emails or texts with some, talked on the phone to others, but really had no interest in anything other than getting to know them from a distance. Then I took the time to meet someone. Someone who really intrigued me and who after just one telephone conversation I felt connected to. Connected how, you ask, I am not sure. As no doubt you know, I met him in person last Saturday and have talked to him every day since. He is nothing like you. I knew before I met him that I wanted him to kiss me. In fact, I had decided that if he didn't, I was going to just tell him how to do it. Strange, but it was so amazingly awesome! I thought of you only once, and my thought was, "I can't believe I have no thoughts of Damon." Why, I don't know. I like to think it is because I deserve that. To move on with ease and  enjoy life to the fullest.

In talking with my new "friend", I realized what a predicament I am in. I am actually not as old as I joke I am, I could out live you by multiple decades. Which means if I remarried, I could reasonably spend three or four decades with someone else and I could feasibly have more than one child. How can I date, and ask someone to love me, possiblyhave children with me, yet not give to them eternity. What seemed like such a blessing when you died, now feels like a harsh reality. You frequently stood in the way of my earthly happiness. Now in death, you still have that kind of hold. It angers me and I don't really know how to process that.

I tried to look for Ensign articles, or General Conference talks that might have discussed my current situations. Couldn't find any. It seems that young widows really have a bit of a gloomy outlook. All these articles and talks covered how to move on, to grieve, to meet financial obligations, and to have hope. I have already figured out all of those things, except the hope part. And it is work every day to meet the kids' every changing needs.

The reality is that we talked about divorce four months before you died. I started the papers then, and was working on them even the week before you died. I talked to your mother about the fact that it was a real possibility for us and that I was worried about you. You and I talked about separating just days before you died. The day you died I was so annoyed with you for being such an ass over something so stupid as my flu shot.

My problem is this: I love our kids and make their mental, emotional and spiritual health my number one priority. I think they'd all adjust if the time ever came for me to remarry. They'd probably even adjust to having more siblings. Truth is, I didn't want more kids, because I didn't want them with you. Cora was just one of those blessings you can't help but be grateful for. But I wouldn't know how to explain to them during their young years that while their sealing to you can never be broken by and act or inaction of mine, the time may one day come when I find remaining sealed to you is not what I want.

I don't know how to reconcile feeling this way. Because on the flip side I think, well, what if I remarry and he dies in a year, do I break that seal to marry yet again? I know the likelihood is slim, but the reality is, how do I face this decision if it ever comes about. How do I answer that when asked by people who want to love me?

And I am turned once again to being angry. It is unjust that even now you have such a negative influence over my happiness. And how sad is that, that I think our sealing could in any way be a negative influence? What a wreck we've created. I want you to fix it. I want you to put my needs above yours, for once in a very long time. I want you to do whatever has to be done so that one of two things happen: you see to it that I am able to find someone that accepts I am sealed to you; or two, let me go, and let me know that you are okay with that. That you understand that I deserve more than what you gave to me in the end. And find a way so that I can move on without guilt.

I will forever love you. I learned so many things from you. Some through great and joyous times, others through hell and a misery I pray I will never know again. Do this for me? Sooner than later please.

With all Love I Ever Gave You:
Mer

Let's Be Honest

Let's be honest. Right here, right now. Honest. I guess this is me being honest. The last few years of our marriage, really sucked. I mean really . . . what girl dreams of being afraid of her husband, of hating her life, of feeling trapped, and of feeling so desperate to find sanity, that she ventures into the insane and puts a gun to her head? Certainly not this girl.

Right now I am angry at you. Angry that were speeding, angry that passed on the left, that you were careless, that you changed from the man I married to an addict. I am angry that my current memories are muddled with recurring flashbacks of your anger outbursts. Of threatening to leave me and the kids on the top of a mountain in California and then disappearing in the car for a couple hours. Of throwing a box of knives at me. At yelling and cursing at me for the stupidest of things. For ever believing for an instant that I would have cheated on you, used drugs, or done anything to add to your torment. I am angry that you took from me so many simple joys with your paranoias. Angry that you didn't possess the power to make it stop, yet even as I write this with tears pouring over, I know my anger does not good.

Once the ball started rolling, this was the only way to end all the things I was angry about. Sometimes I wonder, did you do this on purpose? Did you leave this life intentionally because it was the only way to give me what I needed to so much. Because I have found so much peace and comfort in your absence that I fight off being riddled with guilt. I am enjoying this life now, four months after you died, more than I enjoyed the months before your death.

I want to date again. I want to be happy. I want someone to be happy with. I don't know how to do this and feel so guilty for wanting this. I am sorry, but I feel I deserve this. I walked through hell with you. Literal hell. Don't I deserve your support in this? Don't I deserve so much more?

Do you hear what I hear?

Do you hear what I hear?
A child, our child, crying in the night.
Wishing you were there to stop the agony.

Do you see what I see?
A child, our child, buried in his pain
Lacking all ability to face what death has brought. .

Do you hear what I hear?
A child, our child, wandering through our house
Calling out your name; wondering if your lost.

Do you see what I see?
A child, our child, hiding behind a smile
Pretending all is perfect, when reality is it's not.

Do you feel what I feel?
A heart, my heart, aching and in pain
Struggling hard to beat along, without you by my side.

A New Chapter of Grieving

Last week I gave my notice at work. I would be leaving by June 15, 2011. I thought I would be okay with it and was exciting with an ending date in sight. I had planned and had financial reasons for wanting to wait, and thought that it was best for our family. Today I feel very different.

Lee Lee got sick this week and I had to take her to the doctor on Monday. She was told she could return to work/school for 3 days. Which really meant that I couldn't. It opened a whole new can of worms with regard to my grieving. You were the one who stayed home with her when she was sick. You are the one who spent the days with her while I worked. It was so hard to juggle things, take the days off, and deal with the stress of everything else. Mo watched her on Tuesday because she was out of school, but I must have called 10 times. It seemed so unfair to leave her with Lee Lee sick and all.

I felt my world crumble apart this week. Even now, I am brought to tears yet again. I searched online for a group to join, someone to talk to about how this feels. About the crazy dreams I have, the emptiness I feel, and the curiosity I have as to how I fit into this world now without you. Who am I now without you? Do I exist individually? I felt I had more individuality when you were alive (even in all your crazy moments). Now I just feel like a mother and widow. And widow just means I am a lonely soul without you. And that I truly am. Lonely without you.

I don't feel you when I reach for you
I don't see you when I look for you
I don't hear you when I call for you
I don't smell you in our home, our bed, anywhere
You truly are gone
Gone from my life right now
And I hate it

I wish I could fast forward a year. Wish I was settled into finding myself again in this world. I wish I had a grasp for what our children are feeling. I wish I was stronger. Everyone keeps saying I am such a strong woman, how I can do this, how they are amazed by me. And while I think I am holding up really well, I wish someone knew just how broken I feel. The longer you are gone the more I feel a part of me is leaving to. I don't know how to lose anymore of myself. I've cried so much at times that the tears are gone, it just my nose, crying in it's place.  I know, it's gross, but it's what's happening.

Thank you for watching over the kids. Asher needed you the other night and I know you were there to help him fall asleep. Nothing really seems to help me. Your body that shelter me from the pain I feel now is gone. From afar, it's just not the same. I miss you. So much so that I can't write anymore, I have to let this day be done.

Hard Week

To say the least, this week was hard. Still is hard, and it is taking a lot from me to even write this. I feel so overwhelmed emotionally that I can't even put into writing what I feel. I just want to lay next to you and have your warmth absorb all my pain and sadness away.I feel plagued by so many challenges at one time and haunted by memories of you, both good and bad. Songs, all song, make me sad, and writing this tonight is just too hard. I can't. It's my birthday, and I miss you. I have nothing but tears to share today.

Too Many Decisions

Well, my attorney finally called me about the trust that we set up and your two life insurance policies.  Admittedly, I was dissappointed that we did some things the way we did because it leaves me in a difficult predicament for meeting my needs while meeting the children's needs. The best news, is that the children's needs will be met and there will be money for college, missions and their day to day expenses that exist until Lee Lee graduates college or is 24 years old. The bad news is that at that time, any remaining money is distributed amongst all four kids. The only reason that is bad news is because I really want to stay at home with the kids for the rest of their minority, but if I do that in full, I won't be contributing to investments for myself, so I am afraid I might be up a creek financially in 20-23 years when income for the our family dies and I am 57-60 years old. It won't be easy to just re-enter the work force then, so this makes me nervous.

I am thinking about giving up on law and psychology and getting into teaching. It is not a significant income, but it would give me 20 years of acquiring PERS and would provide health insurance for the kids and I. It would allow me to do almost just put my entire income away for when the kids are all grown-up. I am just not sure what route I should take to do this. Should I just go back to school for elementary education. Stop working all together while I do this - income from the trust would probably pay this, and I'd still qualify for student loans, etc.

It all very confusing and I have a lot of decisions to make. It is late, and I suppose I should go to bed. THANK YOU, for having planned financially with me 8 years ago for such a horrible tragedy such as this. It has truly lightened my burdens. I love you!

Heartbroken Children

Tonight turned out to be a difficult night. Ash is really struggling. Finally realized that his "neck" pain is tension in his neck which causes a sort of headache for him. He also admitted to frequently having stomach aches. The hardest part to hear was that sometimes he gets scared, and when he days, he thinks he hears voices. Voices he thinks he recognizes from people who have died before. We talked about how those voices might be people who are trying to comfort him. That perhaps he should just say out loud, "please stop, you are scaring me." He said later than when he was alone he thought he heard your voice and it really upset him. If it is you, please stop, you are frightening him and I don't find it funny. Like your teasing of the children was annoying to me when you were alive, it is even more annoying now. Please just stop, let him feel you near, your arms and strength around him, and your love and protection. Those are the things Ash needs from you now, not your teasing.

When I took Ash to scouts tonight, I took Lee Lee with me. We went to CVS to fill my prescriptions. They messed up at the pharmacy and forgot to fill one of them, so I had to wait longer than anticipated. Gav admitted to me later, after scouts, and in private that he got really scared earlier tonight but he didn't want to say what. I knew instantly what it was, because I thought it when I was in the store. Stupid me, I left my cell phone at home and couldn't call the kids to tell them that I would be longer than expected. I feared that he and Mo would be afraid that, like you, I was in an accident right by the house. That I too had died. I told him that I thought I knew what it was, because I had the same thought and was mad at myself for forgetting my phone. When I told him what I thought he nodded, and then began to sob. When I told him it was okay to have those fears, that those feelings are normal, he started to stop crying. Not because he felt better, but because he seemed to feel ashamed of crying. I tried to explain how you felt about crying. How sometimes you hated it, but that when you talked about the kids or me, you were often brought to tears. That or your testimony about the gospel and the Savior. Ultimately, you were glad that you were able to feel moved to emotion. That is a gift, use it.

We drove by some Power Co. trucks on our way home. Just before the site of your accident. Ash panicked, "What happened!" I could hear the anxiety in his voice. "Oh love, it is just the power company, not an accident. They are just fixing something with the power."

Ash told me that he made three wishes with the school counselor today. 1. That you hadn't died. 2. That he could see you one last time. 3. That if you were alive, he could go fishing with you. That boy misses you. A lot. They all do, and each is mourning you in their own unique individual ways.

Sorting Through Your Clothes

The boys have been repeatedly asking me what things of yours they can have. This is hard to decide since they are still so young and because I struggle with letting go of your things. Are you really never going to wear or use them again?

Your mom had a great idea to make a quilt for each child out of your clothes. I guess it is a good thing, finally, that you had like 60-80 shirts. We didn't even keep them all for the quilts, but a lot of your saying shirts we did. Then the kids all kept some of your shirts to wear as "comfort" clothes. Pajamas, or relaxing, or whatever makes them happy.

I then put everything else in boxes. It just hurts too much to see them everyday in your closet. Truth is, it isn't really your closet anymore.

I sent some of the shirts I didn't know you'd kept that had sweat stains in the collar to the D.I. And some other things that I just didn't see the need to keep. To be honest, I was surprised that you hadn't parted with them already.

Then came one of the harder parts. . . my lingerie.  Honestly, I just don't see the point in keeping any of it. When will I ever wear it again? It saddened me to let it go, because it was so much a part of our intimate life. They were all more about you, than about me. About how you wanted me to feel sexy, beautiful, attractive, desirable. You wanted me to feel the way you felt about me. And it worked. So I just don't see why I would keep them since you aren't here to be intimate with me. Ironically, there were 3 that I just couldn't part with yet. The first lingerie you ever bought me, the pink one that I bought and loved so much, and the one that we bought just a few months ago. I remember trying it on in the dressing room with you. I don't know why I kept them, I will never wear them again. But some pieces of you, I just don't know how to let go.

Have you heard me talk to you today? Admittedly, I don't really even feel crazy for it. It feels natural and normal. It would seem crazy I guess if I heard you answer. But not crazy to think that you can hear me.

I love you. Hope all is well in Paradise.

Another Day Without You

Well, the good news is that Lee Lee is eating more again. I was getting worried about her because she hadn't been eating much or very well. She even started giving me kisses again last night and today. She had been stingy since your death, but I think she is adjusting in her own way.

The older three were not very happy with me last night after I told them that the goal was to go to school all this week AND to sleep in our own rooms this week. I know in so many ways you are laughing at me for having let so many of them sleep in my bed after your death, but we all needed it, especially me. At least I can admit that even my own actions only support my theory of bed sharing with children.

Ash struggled to go to sleep and tried to have a major attitude with me. It "feels" like no one in his life loves him. He admitted that he knew there were lots of people that do love him, but it still "feels" that way. He couldn't explain why.

And like normal, I was the worst mom in the world this morning when I told the boys they had to shower. Gav took so long that I had to just tell Ash he'd have to get it done tonight. I don't know how to be this supermom that I have to be.

Lee Lee wanders the house saying "da, dad, dad, da." She is such a joy and relief right now. I suppose I have you to thank for her being such a lovely child, so happy, and void of regular fit throwing. You are the one whose been home with her the most up until now.  I am so glad the two of you got that, but sad that she will soon forget it.

Sending all my love to you.

There are no words

For the first time since your death, our house is quite. The boys are with your sister, and Mo is with friends. Lee Lee is fast asleep. I suppose I should be also, but I wanted to start this blog in private.

I am not sure how to pick up our life and continue with it. A part of me feels like I am suppose to be starting over, but I just don't know how. I look for you across from me on the couch, and I feel across the bed in search of your warmth. But you aren't there.

A part of me feels like I should be angry. Angry at you, angry at God, or just angry at someone. But the truth is, I don't know how to be. I have loved you for twelve years. Years that once felt like they were going by quickly, and now just feel short and incomplete. Our life was generally not easy. And you know what I mean. It wasn't the everyday problems that all couples face; we had unique and troubling challenges. I know there were many who never fully understood our relationship; but we did. We shared a love that lots of couples never have. We shared each other's trial and tribulations. I felt your pain in the week before you died. I knew how scared you were to face your recent diagnosis of bipolar. I saw your fear and the agony you felt at the thought that this was a lifelong illness and that you were heartbroken at the pain it had already brought to the kids and I. Your fear of never being able to end it was not lost upon me. And while I was nervous and apprehensive, not knowing how our life would play out, I wasn't ready to give up. I have always believed in you, and have always known the depth of your love for me. I know that your love continues, as done mine. I also know, that in death, you found what you struggled so hard to find in life.  You found peace. I can feel the quiet of your mind and the peacefulness of your soul. I know that the troubling thoughts, racing mind, and turmoil you felt in this life are over. And while I may be crying as I write this, there is still a part of me that rejoices in what you have found. A small part of me that finds peace in knowing that many of your life's goals were met on that fateful night when your life on this earth with me ended. But, admittedly, right now I am overwhelmingly saddened by my loss and the loss of our children. Even knowing that our life was never going to be picture perfect, it was a life that I chose to have over and over again. It was a life that I wanted with you.

Now, I don't really know what life is. My focus is our kids and making sure that they grow to make you proud. It is a heavy burden to raise them by myself. But for you, I will do my best. Please remember to look in on us every now and again. We need you much more than you need us now. I love you.