Sorting Through Your Clothes

The boys have been repeatedly asking me what things of yours they can have. This is hard to decide since they are still so young and because I struggle with letting go of your things. Are you really never going to wear or use them again?

Your mom had a great idea to make a quilt for each child out of your clothes. I guess it is a good thing, finally, that you had like 60-80 shirts. We didn't even keep them all for the quilts, but a lot of your saying shirts we did. Then the kids all kept some of your shirts to wear as "comfort" clothes. Pajamas, or relaxing, or whatever makes them happy.

I then put everything else in boxes. It just hurts too much to see them everyday in your closet. Truth is, it isn't really your closet anymore.

I sent some of the shirts I didn't know you'd kept that had sweat stains in the collar to the D.I. And some other things that I just didn't see the need to keep. To be honest, I was surprised that you hadn't parted with them already.

Then came one of the harder parts. . . my lingerie.  Honestly, I just don't see the point in keeping any of it. When will I ever wear it again? It saddened me to let it go, because it was so much a part of our intimate life. They were all more about you, than about me. About how you wanted me to feel sexy, beautiful, attractive, desirable. You wanted me to feel the way you felt about me. And it worked. So I just don't see why I would keep them since you aren't here to be intimate with me. Ironically, there were 3 that I just couldn't part with yet. The first lingerie you ever bought me, the pink one that I bought and loved so much, and the one that we bought just a few months ago. I remember trying it on in the dressing room with you. I don't know why I kept them, I will never wear them again. But some pieces of you, I just don't know how to let go.

Have you heard me talk to you today? Admittedly, I don't really even feel crazy for it. It feels natural and normal. It would seem crazy I guess if I heard you answer. But not crazy to think that you can hear me.

I love you. Hope all is well in Paradise.