Sunday, February 6, 2011

There are no words

For the first time since your death, our house is quite. The boys are with your sister, and Mo is with friends. Lee Lee is fast asleep. I suppose I should be also, but I wanted to start this blog in private.

I am not sure how to pick up our life and continue with it. A part of me feels like I am suppose to be starting over, but I just don't know how. I look for you across from me on the couch, and I feel across the bed in search of your warmth. But you aren't there.

A part of me feels like I should be angry. Angry at you, angry at God, or just angry at someone. But the truth is, I don't know how to be. I have loved you for twelve years. Years that once felt like they were going by quickly, and now just feel short and incomplete. Our life was generally not easy. And you know what I mean. It wasn't the everyday problems that all couples face; we had unique and troubling challenges. I know there were many who never fully understood our relationship; but we did. We shared a love that lots of couples never have. We shared each other's trial and tribulations. I felt your pain in the week before you died. I knew how scared you were to face your recent diagnosis of bipolar. I saw your fear and the agony you felt at the thought that this was a lifelong illness and that you were heartbroken at the pain it had already brought to the kids and I. Your fear of never being able to end it was not lost upon me. And while I was nervous and apprehensive, not knowing how our life would play out, I wasn't ready to give up. I have always believed in you, and have always known the depth of your love for me. I know that your love continues, as done mine. I also know, that in death, you found what you struggled so hard to find in life.  You found peace. I can feel the quiet of your mind and the peacefulness of your soul. I know that the troubling thoughts, racing mind, and turmoil you felt in this life are over. And while I may be crying as I write this, there is still a part of me that rejoices in what you have found. A small part of me that finds peace in knowing that many of your life's goals were met on that fateful night when your life on this earth with me ended. But, admittedly, right now I am overwhelmingly saddened by my loss and the loss of our children. Even knowing that our life was never going to be picture perfect, it was a life that I chose to have over and over again. It was a life that I wanted with you.

Now, I don't really know what life is. My focus is our kids and making sure that they grow to make you proud. It is a heavy burden to raise them by myself. But for you, I will do my best. Please remember to look in on us every now and again. We need you much more than you need us now. I love you.

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