Heartbroken Children

Tonight turned out to be a difficult night. Ash is really struggling. Finally realized that his "neck" pain is tension in his neck which causes a sort of headache for him. He also admitted to frequently having stomach aches. The hardest part to hear was that sometimes he gets scared, and when he days, he thinks he hears voices. Voices he thinks he recognizes from people who have died before. We talked about how those voices might be people who are trying to comfort him. That perhaps he should just say out loud, "please stop, you are scaring me." He said later than when he was alone he thought he heard your voice and it really upset him. If it is you, please stop, you are frightening him and I don't find it funny. Like your teasing of the children was annoying to me when you were alive, it is even more annoying now. Please just stop, let him feel you near, your arms and strength around him, and your love and protection. Those are the things Ash needs from you now, not your teasing.

When I took Ash to scouts tonight, I took Lee Lee with me. We went to CVS to fill my prescriptions. They messed up at the pharmacy and forgot to fill one of them, so I had to wait longer than anticipated. Gav admitted to me later, after scouts, and in private that he got really scared earlier tonight but he didn't want to say what. I knew instantly what it was, because I thought it when I was in the store. Stupid me, I left my cell phone at home and couldn't call the kids to tell them that I would be longer than expected. I feared that he and Mo would be afraid that, like you, I was in an accident right by the house. That I too had died. I told him that I thought I knew what it was, because I had the same thought and was mad at myself for forgetting my phone. When I told him what I thought he nodded, and then began to sob. When I told him it was okay to have those fears, that those feelings are normal, he started to stop crying. Not because he felt better, but because he seemed to feel ashamed of crying. I tried to explain how you felt about crying. How sometimes you hated it, but that when you talked about the kids or me, you were often brought to tears. That or your testimony about the gospel and the Savior. Ultimately, you were glad that you were able to feel moved to emotion. That is a gift, use it.

We drove by some Power Co. trucks on our way home. Just before the site of your accident. Ash panicked, "What happened!" I could hear the anxiety in his voice. "Oh love, it is just the power company, not an accident. They are just fixing something with the power."

Ash told me that he made three wishes with the school counselor today. 1. That you hadn't died. 2. That he could see you one last time. 3. That if you were alive, he could go fishing with you. That boy misses you. A lot. They all do, and each is mourning you in their own unique individual ways.