Today is awful. Godforsaken awful and it is all I can to do not just find a bottle of something strong and drown my sorrows in it. Cora screamed bloody murder at the grocery store today. I actually thought they might call the cops because she was acting as if I had just kidnaped her. Gavyn fell asleep on the bus and didn't get off. But I was too busy wallowing in my own problems to notice the boys were late getting home. It is my dad's birthday and all I can think of is all the things in my life he missed and how you are actually missing even more of our kids' lives.
I am thinking I don't want to date ever again - but I hate being alone, lonely, and I long so badly for the companionship we once had. I hate life right now, and were it not for those kids, I swear to you, I think I would actually just end it.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Monday, September 26, 2011
If Only I Knew
I am not sure what to do with all the knowledge I have acquired since your death. Oh how deep my love for your is. How the smell and feel of you is imprinted on my very soul. How I miss the feel of my head on your chest, your hands through my hair, your breath on my neck. I miss meeting you at the step for a kiss goodbye, goodnight, or just a hello.
It is you that I miss . . . not him. I enjoy the natural feel I have with him. It reminds me of the days in our marriage when just being together doing nothing was easy. Before the bouts of depression, and cycles of addiction and emotional abuse. I like laughing with him and playfully teasing, it reminds me of how fun being married can be.
But I could not marry him, even if he wanted to, because that is all there is to him. He filled what you had forgotten to fill on a regular basis these last few years. And I liked that. I really liked that.
But truth is, he would never love me like you did. He just doesn't seem the type. Seldom was there a deep conversation and I think he hardly knows me. Emotionally, there was just a void.
I wish I knew whether I will ever be loved like you once loved me. I would know whether I am being practical or impractical. I am not looking for another "you," but I want someone who loves me madly. I am baffled at the envy that people have, even knowing the hell you put me through. And in some ways that angers me. How could your love be so grand, and so deep, yet you brought upon me so much pain. . . not in your death, but in our life together? How? How can it be that one could love and hate me so intensly?
I am confused, and I don't understand where eternity stands with us. I feel like I lost you so very long ago. I read through my journals and the letters I wrote you and I can hear and see the pleadings I made to you to give me back my soul. I begged you to stop the madness that was killing me. Literally and figuratively killing me. Yet you just couldn't. And you just wouldn't let me go. Why didn't you just let me go? Did you not love me enough to realize that I had to be set free in order to live? Or was this a let go, and let God, and it was God who finally did what you wouldn't.
Your boys had their first games without you. It was hard for me. Asher had his first soccer game - ever, you missed it, or rather, I missed you there. I had to run in circles getting both boys where they were supposed to be and missed part of Gavyn's game. It's hard to be the only parent and have the kids miss things because I just can't do it all. I diplomatically gave the coaches an ass chewing. You would be proud of me.
I miss you, the long ago you. I miss that you.
It is you that I miss . . . not him. I enjoy the natural feel I have with him. It reminds me of the days in our marriage when just being together doing nothing was easy. Before the bouts of depression, and cycles of addiction and emotional abuse. I like laughing with him and playfully teasing, it reminds me of how fun being married can be.
But I could not marry him, even if he wanted to, because that is all there is to him. He filled what you had forgotten to fill on a regular basis these last few years. And I liked that. I really liked that.
But truth is, he would never love me like you did. He just doesn't seem the type. Seldom was there a deep conversation and I think he hardly knows me. Emotionally, there was just a void.
I wish I knew whether I will ever be loved like you once loved me. I would know whether I am being practical or impractical. I am not looking for another "you," but I want someone who loves me madly. I am baffled at the envy that people have, even knowing the hell you put me through. And in some ways that angers me. How could your love be so grand, and so deep, yet you brought upon me so much pain. . . not in your death, but in our life together? How? How can it be that one could love and hate me so intensly?
I am confused, and I don't understand where eternity stands with us. I feel like I lost you so very long ago. I read through my journals and the letters I wrote you and I can hear and see the pleadings I made to you to give me back my soul. I begged you to stop the madness that was killing me. Literally and figuratively killing me. Yet you just couldn't. And you just wouldn't let me go. Why didn't you just let me go? Did you not love me enough to realize that I had to be set free in order to live? Or was this a let go, and let God, and it was God who finally did what you wouldn't.
Your boys had their first games without you. It was hard for me. Asher had his first soccer game - ever, you missed it, or rather, I missed you there. I had to run in circles getting both boys where they were supposed to be and missed part of Gavyn's game. It's hard to be the only parent and have the kids miss things because I just can't do it all. I diplomatically gave the coaches an ass chewing. You would be proud of me.
I miss you, the long ago you. I miss that you.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Unexpected Anger: Need Help
I set the goal to look better at 40 than I did at 30. I've been working my ass off at the gym and at home in the pool. I am very excited and find the workout both therapeutic and addicting. I push myself so hard that, the truth is, I can't think of much other than how to reach my goal for that workout. I went looking for a good picture of me when I was thirty. And by good I mean a picture that really showed my body. Low and behold, none existed. I realize now that none exist in part because I was usually the one behind the lens, not in front of it, but also because your addiction started that year.
As I was looking through the albums, I found the scrapbook I had given to you for our second Christmas together. I remember how happy and grateful I was for our life. We'd been sealed, we expected our first child, and life seemed to be giving me all the blessings and joys that I had wanted and impatiently waited for. Heaven was ours, or so it seemed.
Sadly, the day prior I was looking for some lost shot records for the kids. In doing so, I came across letters and journal entries of mine that engulfed the time periods when your addictions and problems were there worst. When life was not giving to me all the blessings and joys that I deserved. When there was little I could do but hope that you'd take the necessary steps to change that.
I told you in March that I wanted to start dating again. Or was it May, I can't remember now. I actively joined an online dating site with mostly members of the church. I have met a few handfuls of people, exchanged emails or texts with some, talked on the phone to others, but really had no interest in anything other than getting to know them from a distance. Then I took the time to meet someone. Someone who really intrigued me and who after just one telephone conversation I felt connected to. Connected how, you ask, I am not sure. As no doubt you know, I met him in person last Saturday and have talked to him every day since. He is nothing like you. I knew before I met him that I wanted him to kiss me. In fact, I had decided that if he didn't, I was going to just tell him how to do it. Strange, but it was so amazingly awesome! I thought of you only once, and my thought was, "I can't believe I have no thoughts of Damon." Why, I don't know. I like to think it is because I deserve that. To move on with ease and enjoy life to the fullest.
In talking with my new "friend", I realized what a predicament I am in. I am actually not as old as I joke I am, I could out live you by multiple decades. Which means if I remarried, I could reasonably spend three or four decades with someone else and I could feasibly have more than one child. How can I date, and ask someone to love me, possiblyhave children with me, yet not give to them eternity. What seemed like such a blessing when you died, now feels like a harsh reality. You frequently stood in the way of my earthly happiness. Now in death, you still have that kind of hold. It angers me and I don't really know how to process that.
I tried to look for Ensign articles, or General Conference talks that might have discussed my current situations. Couldn't find any. It seems that young widows really have a bit of a gloomy outlook. All these articles and talks covered how to move on, to grieve, to meet financial obligations, and to have hope. I have already figured out all of those things, except the hope part. And it is work every day to meet the kids' every changing needs.
The reality is that we talked about divorce four months before you died. I started the papers then, and was working on them even the week before you died. I talked to your mother about the fact that it was a real possibility for us and that I was worried about you. You and I talked about separating just days before you died. The day you died I was so annoyed with you for being such an ass over something so stupid as my flu shot.
My problem is this: I love our kids and make their mental, emotional and spiritual health my number one priority. I think they'd all adjust if the time ever came for me to remarry. They'd probably even adjust to having more siblings. Truth is, I didn't want more kids, because I didn't want them with you. Cora was just one of those blessings you can't help but be grateful for. But I wouldn't know how to explain to them during their young years that while their sealing to you can never be broken by and act or inaction of mine, the time may one day come when I find remaining sealed to you is not what I want.
I don't know how to reconcile feeling this way. Because on the flip side I think, well, what if I remarry and he dies in a year, do I break that seal to marry yet again? I know the likelihood is slim, but the reality is, how do I face this decision if it ever comes about. How do I answer that when asked by people who want to love me?
And I am turned once again to being angry. It is unjust that even now you have such a negative influence over my happiness. And how sad is that, that I think our sealing could in any way be a negative influence? What a wreck we've created. I want you to fix it. I want you to put my needs above yours, for once in a very long time. I want you to do whatever has to be done so that one of two things happen: you see to it that I am able to find someone that accepts I am sealed to you; or two, let me go, and let me know that you are okay with that. That you understand that I deserve more than what you gave to me in the end. And find a way so that I can move on without guilt.
I will forever love you. I learned so many things from you. Some through great and joyous times, others through hell and a misery I pray I will never know again. Do this for me? Sooner than later please.
With all Love I Ever Gave You:
Mer
As I was looking through the albums, I found the scrapbook I had given to you for our second Christmas together. I remember how happy and grateful I was for our life. We'd been sealed, we expected our first child, and life seemed to be giving me all the blessings and joys that I had wanted and impatiently waited for. Heaven was ours, or so it seemed.
Sadly, the day prior I was looking for some lost shot records for the kids. In doing so, I came across letters and journal entries of mine that engulfed the time periods when your addictions and problems were there worst. When life was not giving to me all the blessings and joys that I deserved. When there was little I could do but hope that you'd take the necessary steps to change that.
I told you in March that I wanted to start dating again. Or was it May, I can't remember now. I actively joined an online dating site with mostly members of the church. I have met a few handfuls of people, exchanged emails or texts with some, talked on the phone to others, but really had no interest in anything other than getting to know them from a distance. Then I took the time to meet someone. Someone who really intrigued me and who after just one telephone conversation I felt connected to. Connected how, you ask, I am not sure. As no doubt you know, I met him in person last Saturday and have talked to him every day since. He is nothing like you. I knew before I met him that I wanted him to kiss me. In fact, I had decided that if he didn't, I was going to just tell him how to do it. Strange, but it was so amazingly awesome! I thought of you only once, and my thought was, "I can't believe I have no thoughts of Damon." Why, I don't know. I like to think it is because I deserve that. To move on with ease and enjoy life to the fullest.
In talking with my new "friend", I realized what a predicament I am in. I am actually not as old as I joke I am, I could out live you by multiple decades. Which means if I remarried, I could reasonably spend three or four decades with someone else and I could feasibly have more than one child. How can I date, and ask someone to love me, possiblyhave children with me, yet not give to them eternity. What seemed like such a blessing when you died, now feels like a harsh reality. You frequently stood in the way of my earthly happiness. Now in death, you still have that kind of hold. It angers me and I don't really know how to process that.
I tried to look for Ensign articles, or General Conference talks that might have discussed my current situations. Couldn't find any. It seems that young widows really have a bit of a gloomy outlook. All these articles and talks covered how to move on, to grieve, to meet financial obligations, and to have hope. I have already figured out all of those things, except the hope part. And it is work every day to meet the kids' every changing needs.
The reality is that we talked about divorce four months before you died. I started the papers then, and was working on them even the week before you died. I talked to your mother about the fact that it was a real possibility for us and that I was worried about you. You and I talked about separating just days before you died. The day you died I was so annoyed with you for being such an ass over something so stupid as my flu shot.
My problem is this: I love our kids and make their mental, emotional and spiritual health my number one priority. I think they'd all adjust if the time ever came for me to remarry. They'd probably even adjust to having more siblings. Truth is, I didn't want more kids, because I didn't want them with you. Cora was just one of those blessings you can't help but be grateful for. But I wouldn't know how to explain to them during their young years that while their sealing to you can never be broken by and act or inaction of mine, the time may one day come when I find remaining sealed to you is not what I want.
I don't know how to reconcile feeling this way. Because on the flip side I think, well, what if I remarry and he dies in a year, do I break that seal to marry yet again? I know the likelihood is slim, but the reality is, how do I face this decision if it ever comes about. How do I answer that when asked by people who want to love me?
And I am turned once again to being angry. It is unjust that even now you have such a negative influence over my happiness. And how sad is that, that I think our sealing could in any way be a negative influence? What a wreck we've created. I want you to fix it. I want you to put my needs above yours, for once in a very long time. I want you to do whatever has to be done so that one of two things happen: you see to it that I am able to find someone that accepts I am sealed to you; or two, let me go, and let me know that you are okay with that. That you understand that I deserve more than what you gave to me in the end. And find a way so that I can move on without guilt.
I will forever love you. I learned so many things from you. Some through great and joyous times, others through hell and a misery I pray I will never know again. Do this for me? Sooner than later please.
With all Love I Ever Gave You:
Mer
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Let's Be Honest
Let's be honest. Right here, right now. Honest. I guess this is me being honest. The last few years of our marriage, really sucked. I mean really . . . what girl dreams of being afraid of her husband, of hating her life, of feeling trapped, and of feeling so desperate to find sanity, that she ventures into the insane and puts a gun to her head? Certainly not this girl.
Right now I am angry at you. Angry that were speeding, angry that passed on the left, that you were careless, that you changed from the man I married to an addict. I am angry that my current memories are muddled with recurring flashbacks of your anger outbursts. Of threatening to leave me and the kids on the top of a mountain in California and then disappearing in the car for a couple hours. Of throwing a box of knives at me. At yelling and cursing at me for the stupidest of things. For ever believing for an instant that I would have cheated on you, used drugs, or done anything to add to your torment. I am angry that you took from me so many simple joys with your paranoias. Angry that you didn't possess the power to make it stop, yet even as I write this with tears pouring over, I know my anger does not good.
Once the ball started rolling, this was the only way to end all the things I was angry about. Sometimes I wonder, did you do this on purpose? Did you leave this life intentionally because it was the only way to give me what I needed to so much. Because I have found so much peace and comfort in your absence that I fight off being riddled with guilt. I am enjoying this life now, four months after you died, more than I enjoyed the months before your death.
I want to date again. I want to be happy. I want someone to be happy with. I don't know how to do this and feel so guilty for wanting this. I am sorry, but I feel I deserve this. I walked through hell with you. Literal hell. Don't I deserve your support in this? Don't I deserve so much more?
Right now I am angry at you. Angry that were speeding, angry that passed on the left, that you were careless, that you changed from the man I married to an addict. I am angry that my current memories are muddled with recurring flashbacks of your anger outbursts. Of threatening to leave me and the kids on the top of a mountain in California and then disappearing in the car for a couple hours. Of throwing a box of knives at me. At yelling and cursing at me for the stupidest of things. For ever believing for an instant that I would have cheated on you, used drugs, or done anything to add to your torment. I am angry that you took from me so many simple joys with your paranoias. Angry that you didn't possess the power to make it stop, yet even as I write this with tears pouring over, I know my anger does not good.
Once the ball started rolling, this was the only way to end all the things I was angry about. Sometimes I wonder, did you do this on purpose? Did you leave this life intentionally because it was the only way to give me what I needed to so much. Because I have found so much peace and comfort in your absence that I fight off being riddled with guilt. I am enjoying this life now, four months after you died, more than I enjoyed the months before your death.
I want to date again. I want to be happy. I want someone to be happy with. I don't know how to do this and feel so guilty for wanting this. I am sorry, but I feel I deserve this. I walked through hell with you. Literal hell. Don't I deserve your support in this? Don't I deserve so much more?
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Do you hear what I hear?
Do you hear what I hear?
A child, our child, crying in the night.
Wishing you were there to stop the agony.
Do you see what I see?
A child, our child, buried in his pain
Lacking all ability to face what death has brought. .
Do you hear what I hear?
A child, our child, wandering through our house
Calling out your name; wondering if your lost.
Do you see what I see?
A child, our child, hiding behind a smile
Pretending all is perfect, when reality is it's not.
Do you feel what I feel?
A heart, my heart, aching and in pain
Struggling hard to beat along, without you by my side.
A child, our child, crying in the night.
Wishing you were there to stop the agony.
Do you see what I see?
A child, our child, buried in his pain
Lacking all ability to face what death has brought. .
Do you hear what I hear?
A child, our child, wandering through our house
Calling out your name; wondering if your lost.
Do you see what I see?
A child, our child, hiding behind a smile
Pretending all is perfect, when reality is it's not.
Do you feel what I feel?
A heart, my heart, aching and in pain
Struggling hard to beat along, without you by my side.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
A New Chapter of Grieving
Last week I gave my notice at work. I would be leaving by June 15, 2011. I thought I would be okay with it and was exciting with an ending date in sight. I had planned and had financial reasons for wanting to wait, and thought that it was best for our family. Today I feel very different.
Lee Lee got sick this week and I had to take her to the doctor on Monday. She was told she could return to work/school for 3 days. Which really meant that I couldn't. It opened a whole new can of worms with regard to my grieving. You were the one who stayed home with her when she was sick. You are the one who spent the days with her while I worked. It was so hard to juggle things, take the days off, and deal with the stress of everything else. Mo watched her on Tuesday because she was out of school, but I must have called 10 times. It seemed so unfair to leave her with Lee Lee sick and all.
I felt my world crumble apart this week. Even now, I am brought to tears yet again. I searched online for a group to join, someone to talk to about how this feels. About the crazy dreams I have, the emptiness I feel, and the curiosity I have as to how I fit into this world now without you. Who am I now without you? Do I exist individually? I felt I had more individuality when you were alive (even in all your crazy moments). Now I just feel like a mother and widow. And widow just means I am a lonely soul without you. And that I truly am. Lonely without you.
I don't feel you when I reach for you
I don't see you when I look for you
I don't hear you when I call for you
I don't smell you in our home, our bed, anywhere
You truly are gone
Gone from my life right now
And I hate it
I wish I could fast forward a year. Wish I was settled into finding myself again in this world. I wish I had a grasp for what our children are feeling. I wish I was stronger. Everyone keeps saying I am such a strong woman, how I can do this, how they are amazed by me. And while I think I am holding up really well, I wish someone knew just how broken I feel. The longer you are gone the more I feel a part of me is leaving to. I don't know how to lose anymore of myself. I've cried so much at times that the tears are gone, it just my nose, crying in it's place. I know, it's gross, but it's what's happening.
Thank you for watching over the kids. Asher needed you the other night and I know you were there to help him fall asleep. Nothing really seems to help me. Your body that shelter me from the pain I feel now is gone. From afar, it's just not the same. I miss you. So much so that I can't write anymore, I have to let this day be done.
Lee Lee got sick this week and I had to take her to the doctor on Monday. She was told she could return to work/school for 3 days. Which really meant that I couldn't. It opened a whole new can of worms with regard to my grieving. You were the one who stayed home with her when she was sick. You are the one who spent the days with her while I worked. It was so hard to juggle things, take the days off, and deal with the stress of everything else. Mo watched her on Tuesday because she was out of school, but I must have called 10 times. It seemed so unfair to leave her with Lee Lee sick and all.
I felt my world crumble apart this week. Even now, I am brought to tears yet again. I searched online for a group to join, someone to talk to about how this feels. About the crazy dreams I have, the emptiness I feel, and the curiosity I have as to how I fit into this world now without you. Who am I now without you? Do I exist individually? I felt I had more individuality when you were alive (even in all your crazy moments). Now I just feel like a mother and widow. And widow just means I am a lonely soul without you. And that I truly am. Lonely without you.
I don't feel you when I reach for you
I don't see you when I look for you
I don't hear you when I call for you
I don't smell you in our home, our bed, anywhere
You truly are gone
Gone from my life right now
And I hate it
I wish I could fast forward a year. Wish I was settled into finding myself again in this world. I wish I had a grasp for what our children are feeling. I wish I was stronger. Everyone keeps saying I am such a strong woman, how I can do this, how they are amazed by me. And while I think I am holding up really well, I wish someone knew just how broken I feel. The longer you are gone the more I feel a part of me is leaving to. I don't know how to lose anymore of myself. I've cried so much at times that the tears are gone, it just my nose, crying in it's place. I know, it's gross, but it's what's happening.
Thank you for watching over the kids. Asher needed you the other night and I know you were there to help him fall asleep. Nothing really seems to help me. Your body that shelter me from the pain I feel now is gone. From afar, it's just not the same. I miss you. So much so that I can't write anymore, I have to let this day be done.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Hard Week
To say the least, this week was hard. Still is hard, and it is taking a lot from me to even write this. I feel so overwhelmed emotionally that I can't even put into writing what I feel. I just want to lay next to you and have your warmth absorb all my pain and sadness away.I feel plagued by so many challenges at one time and haunted by memories of you, both good and bad. Songs, all song, make me sad, and writing this tonight is just too hard. I can't. It's my birthday, and I miss you. I have nothing but tears to share today.
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