Do you hear what I hear?
A child, our child, crying in the night.
Wishing you were there to stop the agony.
Do you see what I see?
A child, our child, buried in his pain
Lacking all ability to face what death has brought. .
Do you hear what I hear?
A child, our child, wandering through our house
Calling out your name; wondering if your lost.
Do you see what I see?
A child, our child, hiding behind a smile
Pretending all is perfect, when reality is it's not.
Do you feel what I feel?
A heart, my heart, aching and in pain
Struggling hard to beat along, without you by my side.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
A New Chapter of Grieving
Last week I gave my notice at work. I would be leaving by June 15, 2011. I thought I would be okay with it and was exciting with an ending date in sight. I had planned and had financial reasons for wanting to wait, and thought that it was best for our family. Today I feel very different.
Lee Lee got sick this week and I had to take her to the doctor on Monday. She was told she could return to work/school for 3 days. Which really meant that I couldn't. It opened a whole new can of worms with regard to my grieving. You were the one who stayed home with her when she was sick. You are the one who spent the days with her while I worked. It was so hard to juggle things, take the days off, and deal with the stress of everything else. Mo watched her on Tuesday because she was out of school, but I must have called 10 times. It seemed so unfair to leave her with Lee Lee sick and all.
I felt my world crumble apart this week. Even now, I am brought to tears yet again. I searched online for a group to join, someone to talk to about how this feels. About the crazy dreams I have, the emptiness I feel, and the curiosity I have as to how I fit into this world now without you. Who am I now without you? Do I exist individually? I felt I had more individuality when you were alive (even in all your crazy moments). Now I just feel like a mother and widow. And widow just means I am a lonely soul without you. And that I truly am. Lonely without you.
I don't feel you when I reach for you
I don't see you when I look for you
I don't hear you when I call for you
I don't smell you in our home, our bed, anywhere
You truly are gone
Gone from my life right now
And I hate it
I wish I could fast forward a year. Wish I was settled into finding myself again in this world. I wish I had a grasp for what our children are feeling. I wish I was stronger. Everyone keeps saying I am such a strong woman, how I can do this, how they are amazed by me. And while I think I am holding up really well, I wish someone knew just how broken I feel. The longer you are gone the more I feel a part of me is leaving to. I don't know how to lose anymore of myself. I've cried so much at times that the tears are gone, it just my nose, crying in it's place. I know, it's gross, but it's what's happening.
Thank you for watching over the kids. Asher needed you the other night and I know you were there to help him fall asleep. Nothing really seems to help me. Your body that shelter me from the pain I feel now is gone. From afar, it's just not the same. I miss you. So much so that I can't write anymore, I have to let this day be done.
Lee Lee got sick this week and I had to take her to the doctor on Monday. She was told she could return to work/school for 3 days. Which really meant that I couldn't. It opened a whole new can of worms with regard to my grieving. You were the one who stayed home with her when she was sick. You are the one who spent the days with her while I worked. It was so hard to juggle things, take the days off, and deal with the stress of everything else. Mo watched her on Tuesday because she was out of school, but I must have called 10 times. It seemed so unfair to leave her with Lee Lee sick and all.
I felt my world crumble apart this week. Even now, I am brought to tears yet again. I searched online for a group to join, someone to talk to about how this feels. About the crazy dreams I have, the emptiness I feel, and the curiosity I have as to how I fit into this world now without you. Who am I now without you? Do I exist individually? I felt I had more individuality when you were alive (even in all your crazy moments). Now I just feel like a mother and widow. And widow just means I am a lonely soul without you. And that I truly am. Lonely without you.
I don't feel you when I reach for you
I don't see you when I look for you
I don't hear you when I call for you
I don't smell you in our home, our bed, anywhere
You truly are gone
Gone from my life right now
And I hate it
I wish I could fast forward a year. Wish I was settled into finding myself again in this world. I wish I had a grasp for what our children are feeling. I wish I was stronger. Everyone keeps saying I am such a strong woman, how I can do this, how they are amazed by me. And while I think I am holding up really well, I wish someone knew just how broken I feel. The longer you are gone the more I feel a part of me is leaving to. I don't know how to lose anymore of myself. I've cried so much at times that the tears are gone, it just my nose, crying in it's place. I know, it's gross, but it's what's happening.
Thank you for watching over the kids. Asher needed you the other night and I know you were there to help him fall asleep. Nothing really seems to help me. Your body that shelter me from the pain I feel now is gone. From afar, it's just not the same. I miss you. So much so that I can't write anymore, I have to let this day be done.
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